Saturday, July 6, 2013

the last place.

i haven't done this in a while. but i know this is the only safe place i could find, and possibly you would too. 
this, would be the last place for anybody to figure out how i feel, and since i can't call you and bawl my eyes at you, this is the next best thing. 

I thought i could be strong enough to hold back my feelings and tears, and everything that goes around in my short, simple, sometimes a little dramatic life would be easy to handle. 
How it surprises me so that the reason i need to some comfort from you is, my family. This, is the one thing that you seem to understand that no others do. Just this thought makes me feel like the hold strong, patient, solid attribute i try to portray comes crumbling down. 
Only you know how to calm me down when these things happen. 
Only you understand what i've gone through and how best to talk to me. 
Because no one else has heard my part. 
if ever they were not true, if ever they were exaggerated, at least you were there to make me feel a little better.  
and when i am with my kryptonite, God help me i just really want to hear you talk to me, because only you know what to say. the right words to say it. 
My big fat ego is stopping me from running to my phone, dial your number ive known so well and ring you up. 

Funny how the world works. Today after 2 years of law school i have finally had a decent conversation with my previous ex. i don't know what made it better. i truly do not understand. it was a conversation after another. it was like one fine day this little heart of mine decided its time to see past the hate and scrawny eyes and just talk to the man! he was after all a friend at first.  it seems nice a finally a decent conversation with him, but regrettably I lost you now. 

Times like these, i wish you could seek through my brain like harry potter did with his memory and look at the times when i treasure you most. times like these i want you to realize that letting you go was part of the journey that i had to go through. you have been the better half of me for more than one year. and in that one year, i've managed to share most of my life with you. so much so that only you understand how certain agenda works without me having to explain from top to bottom. you were there when it was bitterly rough for me. when all i wanted to do was shut myself out. you did not complain. you were patient enough to accept it. 

You know that the hardest thing i have to go through is the reason i smile a wide and bright as i do. 

they are times like these i wish you would just call and try to help me. . . 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

First


for every first steps taken, first breathes inhaled, none quite the same. She takes up a new beginning, giving it a try, first of many attempt. Granted it is not the first trial. but first easy steps nonetheless. One small step in front of the other, one small success after another. no time to back away now, as the gates are getting bigger through those big round eyes and the pavements made way inviting to the grand opening of a majestic building. Maybe one more turn to the back, she thought. A look to replace the last farewell. Looking back, but still moving forward she saw the dearest face that has been with her through every layer of every move. the face of a women who knows naught what to do with the naughty little child on one hand and a burdensome responsibility on the other. The face of a mother saying good bye. no more tears, she told herself. They're only meant to be supplements of her strong emotions and one must not wear their emotions on their sleeves. Good bye mother, we will meet again. one day. some day. some how. Enough now. Time to move past every loop hole and rickety mistreatments. Today shall be the first on a new undiscovered land. for her anyway. its her very first.

First attempt. their colours are different. the people moving. they're a little taller. fast talkers, with a funny slang and hint of exaggeration. is every sentence high pitched and tones strained in every word ? would they know the tongue of the mountains ? have they ever heard of the high grounds lay atop the Himalayas ? the land above the high seas? people like me ? they're all staring at me. I look back. did they want something from me? but i promised no such gifts for the persons along my pathways. I kept on walking. careful not to stare at others as they might misinterpret my intention.
"You student from the above? You going to the university?" one man asked. He talks funny, almost making me laugh but I resisted. one must not laugh at other's disadvantage. Though I've had the vast interpretation that they're were suppose to speak better English than I could. they have a better chance at learning them in comparison to me. Nonetheless, maybe I overestimated.
"Not the above, but from the Mountains of the Himalayas. I am not God." I responded. at some point, the man retracted. he looked stunned. "You spoke well!" were the next sentence that came out of his mouth. Now I am stunned. How could I not? its been my second dialect, the voices of the mountains being the first.
I smiled simply. it seemed to be the only polite response to it all. this is the first of many i presumed. The man took my bags and walked me to a small car. we're moving to the next destination. The university. I held my breath. After along while, after crucial debates and strong headed opinions from my people, I am finally here.  Even though I left without great blessings. Without much support. scrutinized and criticized in its truest form. Never mind it all. its all in the past. It is now the future. to look forward. and more firsts to come.

At last, she saw the vast complex architecture she could only imagine when she was younger. through the visuals, polaroids and pictures brought to her people by the foreign teacher. the sturdy, rigid building still standing high and mighty, daring passer-by's not to take a glance at it. The University. majestic and lively, remaining constant even through the evolution of time and trend changes of humanity. I gazed in awe.
This where she will be living for the next few years, till she figures out her new first step. She was finally here, in the depths of her home, away from home. a giddy warmth surrounds her inner-self. This is the First

Analeyya finds contentment... Atlast.
.

Monday, January 14, 2013

politics. basic 101.

Sometimes the more we learn in life, the more complex we get our heads knotted. The wisest of people may well be a small 4 year old boy who just knew how to build the blocks. Because they're not afraid to learn. they're not afraid when they fail. yeah i know that maybe it's not relevant in circumstances where we actually do have something to lose if fail. my point was, there was no ego in the subject matter.
Law school throws you a hand full of junks which might serve the purpose of actually serving the political setback of the society. However, these junks are not always able to be grasped by others. firstly, because they're not able to hear the lectures. and secondly, because there is simply no means to reach out to 25 million people in Malaysia, rich or poor, tall or short, big or small to listen to the matter.

Like every other adult in every corner of the earth, ego becomes the wall that separates their mind from truly accepting the views of another. The attitude of  "I'm All That" and "I'm Always Right" and "Listen to Me because I dare challenge the Big Head" becomes the catalyst of such nature. don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against opinions, arguments and different points of view. but what i do have a problem is with people who refuses to acknowledge the ideas of others.
Passion is what drives a person for their freedom to choose. Freedom to create their own willed imagination. And with this I am impressed with those who have made their stand in supporting their respective teams, for I have yet to make my own decision. But passion comes with the ability to BE PASSIONATE. be passionate of one true goal. to actually listen and agree if need be. not blindly support. And sadly this bloody trend happens as if its a disease spreading through like the black plague.

we fight with our hearts. I've always believed that. However that does not mean we leave our brains at home.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

dear little friend

little friend,
confused little friend, I love you dearly and its sad to see the confusion surrounding you. I wanted to reach you but there was so many voices, so many thoughts. I guess the best way for me to say the things I want to is by typing it endlessly in this so called virtual letter. I am after all taking my time off from land law for you. :P
hihihi.

Anyhow, Everyone decides to be philosophical when it comes to relationship, love, flirts, swings and the likes of it all. And they're all wrong. Including me. Yes. including me... Because as much as we like to believe we're Oprah, we're not. and most importantly, we're wrong  because we're not you. (; Everyone has a different intake on this matter. whose to say who is write and who is wrong really ?
The best thing you could ever hear would have to be, "Think and Act independently, Follow your heart" 

Dear Little Friend,
Time heals all wound. All you need to do is ease up, admit, and let go. you're a smart girl with a big heart. there are times when every chapter of a book ends. maybe, some of them already did. maybe some of them still goes on. Only you know the answer to that
Chemistry doesn't come easy. lists are there for a reason. they're not to find the perfect man, they're there to find the imperfect man who is perfect for you. After all, we're at the prime of our ages. maybe you'd burn a little. or maybe this time you won't. whose to know what the future will bring us. but we won't get to know it if we don't give ourselves the chance to find out. and hey, if it doesn't work out, there is always God telling us, "He is not yours to have, I have a better plan for you."

We'd jump with joy if it works out, and I'll be the first to have a speech at your wedding, and the god mother who'll let my children play with yours. *wink, wink*
But if it doesn't work out, we'll hug you and cry with you, and tell you, "Its gonna be okay." and "Fuck that douche, you'll find a better man who is worth it." 

Dear Little Friend,
Your heart is your biggest conscience. it whispers. you only need to listen to it.

p/s : You know who you are dear little friend. ((;

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Speak!

For the past couple of weeks, ive been having trouble with my confidence. Amazing what one interview of position can do to you . O.o 
Ive been scared with my self belief. Ive chickened out on situations which I know Im good at. Sooo not me. 
But then, i guess its not the fact that I can't speak, but without sugar coated interference. somewhat like a person with maturity. I guess the fact that I don't want to grow up is slowly eating me up. maybe i'm just exaggerating this. -.-

Mind me and listen up. I'm not merely saying this without thought. I've observed. and I know there are at times, maturity is vital when you present yourself. It gets you somewhere. and from where I am now, Its a do or die kind of thing. exaggerating again. 

So what is a bunny to do ? 
Stand head up and face the world thats what im doing. who says i can't change? Life is all about changes. But I'm not talking about the full 360 degrees change kinda thing. no way nu'uhh. 
more on how I present myself. balancing between when to be serious and when to be, well, me! :D 

You could say that I've seen a little bit of this and that where seriousness is of vital importance. Though I resent this with absolute passion, I know I can't delay it for long. I'm growing up, I know I know, though I hate to admit it, and whether I wanna fight being mature or embrace it. 

Hold on, mature ? huh? the hell is that ? Maturity is subjective. 
maturity comes from within. Not being serious does not mean you're not mature. being able to look down upon others because you're wiser than them is not maturity. 
being able to balance humility and confidence is maturity. 
being able to think twice before you judge others is maturity. 
being able to stand ground on what you believe in without influence from other external factors is maturity. 

see it as a whole wider perspective.  (; 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Why


And why it’s you.
You big headed tough guy,
You’ve got a soft heart.
You arrogant ass,
You’re trying to put on a masquerade for no crowd.
You twisted mind reader,
You know how words can affect others.
But, you innocent lover.
The world is not a bad world to live in.
The world smiles upon immaculate, simple things.
The world is not your enemy.
The world revolves all by itself.
Hatred gets us nowhere.
Dear sweetheart,
I fell for the guy, who gave me courage,
I fell for the guy, aside from his big head, he has a big heart,
I fell for the person who wouldn’t mind sitting in the warung,
And feel just as much at home at a 5 star restaurant.
I fell for the guy who doesn’t judge.
I fell for the guy who smiles at strangers.
I fell for the guy to gives me strength.
I fell for the guy who believes in me.
I fell for the guy who makes me laugh half the time.
I fell for the guy who pushes me to do the things I’m afraid to.
I fell for the guy who sees things differently in life.
I fell for the guy who makes it so hard for me not to relive back my faith on love.
I fell for the guy who wouldn’t make me swoon, but tells me the truth.
I fell for the guy who could challenge my big head.
I fell for the guy who makes me feel like a princess.
I fell for the guy who believes in himself.
I fell for the guy who loves his mother to death.
I fell for the guy to treats his friends with care.
I fell for the guy who has visions.
I fell for you, because you’re you.
And despite my beliefs, despite my denial, know this
That you’ve captured my heart, you’ve reeled me in.
But not for you to know at the moment of time.
Cause the only key to my heart, is still kept inside my palm.
And that’s why, its you. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Im nothing but a girl.

I'm nothing but a girl. I'm not the nice ones you see in the movies. I may be those you hate on the other end. I do things I find best for myself. I know that at times people bare with my doubts. Sometimes I get mischievous and I wanna do things that might not seem proper and just not right. You are in the wrong end if you're looking for a quiet prim lady, for I am anything but.
But I do have a heart. I do have feelings. I do have eye buds.
I may not have all the right words to say. but don't kick me to curbs when I humble.
My thoughts are are spoken through my actions. More often then not, I am a scaredy cat. I don't cross path with others. I don't wanna. But don't mistake them with a sense of weakness. I don't fall easily. I don't give up easily.
My heart is kept in a iron-steeled box. chained. kept protected out of reach of children. but they are not cold. It can feel pain.
This girl here, you see, love life.
Because though at times the day is cloudy, and the sun might just hiding behind the clouds, it is still there.
Tomorrow lies in the eyes of the beholder. Shiny or Blurry.
Don't expect Her to change for you.
because scarily, she just might. gone were her confidence, only to hold on to your heart, once she has given hers.
A smile from her is easy.
A tear from her is priceless.

A girl's heart is made out of diamonds. they sparkle. they're hard. but once they fall, it breaks into pieces. never the same once its broken.